When someone goes through the traumatic experience of the death of a loved one, it can be very chaotic. The feelings and emotions that result are very powerful, very dynamic, and often very confusing. However, the patterns through which people cope with intense pain and sorrow has been studied for decades. These research efforts have yielded the Grief Cycle, a five-step process commonly understood to encompass the fundamental stages grievers move through to reacquire peace and solace from a loss. Those five steps are dictated below, with some slight emendations to their titles in order to make the stages more recognizable:
Disbelief
Both the body and mind utilize defense mechanisms in the presence of a perceived threat. The body often responds according to Freudian “Fight, Flight, or Freeze” theory, meaning that if threatened, the body will try to eliminate the source of the threat, put as much distance between itself and the threat, or simply panic or stay put, with the hope of the threat passing them by. Mentally, the same process occurs, and when intense emotional and internal pain hits, the body often responds in denial, avoidance, or shock; this mirrors the process the body executes.
Anger
When the initial shock and denial have faded, the result is anger in many forms. A common thread followed is the need for justice and fairness, and people become intensely frustrated as to why the loss occurred. To dive deeper, often anger is offspring of fear, in that individuals often find themselves the targets for self-blame, that the loss, directly or indirectly, is somehow their fault. Such a path leads to shame, along with high levels of anxiety. They just want their loved one back.
Depression
At some point, the intensity of emotion and frustration erodes, into despair. Tired of fighting the battle, and beaten down, grievers experience long periods of…nothing. Lack of energy, loss of drive and passion, and an overall feeling of helplessness take over. Those going through the loss often report feeling ‘dead’. This lowest stage often an internal, subconscious effort to detach from the situation, in the hope of finding some kind of solace. Interestingly enough, that release of control is a crucial step in beginning a recovery towards happiness and freedom.
Bargaining
For the first time in often weeks or months, a feeling of hope and vitality begin to return. The struggle shifts from a private battle, to more of a public one, where friends and family are relied heavily upon. Those who have been grieving find themselves starting to piece together meaning to what happened, and begin sharing their story. The word ‘bargaining’ is used, because individuals recommence a more logical approach to their grief, where they find themselves working for and ‘asking for’ new perspective.
Acceptance
Finally, they arrive at a genuine feeling of peace and acceptance. Rarely are they the same people as when they began their grieving journey, and that progress is recognized. Rather than mourning the loss, they’ve built a sort of memorial to the person they lost, and honor that person. Life moves forward with new vigor, and possibilities are re-opened. New exploration begins, and meaning has finally been placed on the experience as a whole.
Written by Clif, freelance writer for SereniCare Chandler Arizona
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